After I went to the gym last night I went for a short drive around Parma to do a bit of self reflection. The reason for this cruise was because before I went to the gym I fell to sin, again. Getting through my workout was very difficult due to my motivation being very low as I felt ashamed of myself. However, I powered through it and then decided to drive. During this drive I reflected about my prayer life and came to a heavy realization; I am neglectful in my spiritual life. My spiritual life, as I realized, rather finally admitted, is very shallow.
Sure, I do have some consistent piety. I commit to Eucharistic Adoration once per week on Friday from 11 to midnight, I attend Mass two to three times per week, I go to Confession about once per week. I am good at going places, but that is where my discipline ends. I am absolutely terrible at being pious at home. It is shameful that I cannot bring myself to do more than pray anything outside of a Hail Mary upon rising and putting on my Brown Scapular and a Hail Mary and St. Michael prayer before sleeping. Sure, this is a good start and I shouldn't abandon this, but what bothers me is that this small amount of piety is not building up my Armor of God.
I would say that the list of things I do is pretty good, however it is what I do during my time at one of those things on the list and how I apply it that matters. I do believe that I am good at praying for others and for big things that I don't necessarily have control over. Where my prayer life severely lacks is in praying for myself. I do not find myself praying for things that I think I have control over (i.e. finances, job, living situation). This is very neglectful in my opinion! Am I too proud to ask the Almighty for help in these matters? Is it deep rooted despair that I am ashamed as a sinner to ask God to aid me in the little things? I would say perhaps a little of both.
In today's world it seems all too easy to blame everything on society, and perhaps society shares in the blame. In our culture we are expected to mold the world to our liking. We are expected to do a lot without God. Am I caving to this thought? See? It is all to easy to convict society of wrongdoing, seeing as a lot is indeed wrong with our society. I do not think the answer is blaming society. The answer is prayer. How can expect to conquer my big obstacles without overcoming the small ones, especially when perpetuating the small ones is seen as relief from constantly attempting to overcome the big ones?! Do you see the problem? I am in a cycle of self created obstacles.
Allow me to get a little more specific. I would say that habitual sin is a big obstacle. Now image yourself focusing all your energy on overcoming habitual sin. A noble undertaking, sure. We are called to be saints after all. However, to relieve stress and relax from the constant war against habitual sin you turn to the things that keep you from what is important in the spiritual life that is prayer and fasting. For example, I'm tired from battle so instead of praying, fasting, doing spiritual reading, and tackling smaller obstacles (shallow prayer life, finances, living situation) which would be immensely beneficial, I watch YouTube for hours or browse Facebook for a large amount of time in my room. I don't like what I see society doing and so I get angry and I'm back to being stressed and tired and my spiritual fuel is at zero.
Do you see the neglect? This is why I haven't blogged in a while either. It is easier to simply share a story on Facebook and add a sentence or two of commentary and watch the comment section explode in discussion. Don't get me wrong I'm all about some quality dialogue, but what are the fruits? So I have identified a problem; self perpetuating obstacles and not properly applying my piety to my practical life. While I'm good at applying my piety to my big obstacle of habitual sin, with everything else it is as if my spiritual life and my practical life are completely separate.
What are the solutions? This is where I encourage input from you the reader and maybe a quick prayer. I think the first solution is to focus more energy on smaller projects while remaining aware of the large obstacle. It begins with prayer. Pray for the smaller things that I think I have control over. Invite God into my practical life, my everyday life. Invite the Lord to journey with me to work, to the gym, to my friends, etc. Invite God to look at my finances with me and to plan with me so that I can improve my living situation. The Lord is faithful and will remain so. It is up to me to invite him in to the everyday.
Pax,
Johannes
Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary,
Full of grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of they womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.
Amen.
