Much of a person discerning a particular vocation is geared toward finding God. This is certainly good, because to realize God's Will requires a relationship with God. This is common for me as well. However, I often lose myself when looking for God. Sure, gaining God and losing oneself is biblical (Matthew 16:25), but when does looking for God turn into building God? When does discerning God's Will become building God's Will? In recent months I have answered this question.
Over the past few months a great amount of healing took place. I finally reached the freedom to choose or the equilibrium required to make the best decision regarding the clarity from God through discernment. I finally opened the door to my heart after leaving it sealed off for years. This was all thanks to God's goodness, a great group of friends, a persistent youth minister, and an amazing vocation director. In discussion with our vocation director, I was referred to an amazing book titled "Living Celibacy" by Gerdenio Sonny Manuel, SJ. It discussed celibacy from a psychological perspective, which was very helpful. It turned out to be my next "Apostolicam moment".
My last Apostolicam moment came in 2012 when I was at a Latin Mass with my Lutheran seminary class, which moved me to return to the Church. This time I was moved to open the door to my heart. When I opened this door I addressed what was within it through prayer, therapy, and great conversations with friends and priests. When I reached equilibrium I could no longer deny what I was doing for the past several years; I was not receiving my vocation, I was building one. I was constructing my tower of Babel and it was time for it to come crashing down.
For a few weeks following this I discerned where my mind AND heart were being led. I can say with confidence they are being led, not forced, away from the priesthood and toward marriage. This may come as a shock to many of you because of my stubborn stance regarding where I wanted to go despite what it would do to me. Going back to Matthew 16:25, I was seeking to make my life and ignore Christ's call. I was losing myself to my tower of Babel. I was attempting to construct the Will of God. When I opened the door to my heart, the Holy Spirit was so clear and this clarity requires action.
Since rediscovering all of myself, my life has improved. My prayer is more fruitful and my relationship with God is stronger. I am filled with true joy once again and my friends and colleagues have noticed. Even people that didn't know my much of my discernment recognized a refreshment since making this decision to discern marriage. This joy is from God and it is beautiful beyond words. I have a hard time putting this refreshment into words.
Thank you all for your many years of prayers and support. Thank you for your patience and love it means a lot to me. I apologize for any pain I caused due to my blindness. God is good! God will provide! I am overjoyed by God's goodness. To Him belongs all praise and glory. Now that I have allowed my heart to have a say, I can move forward glorifying God better than before! I am excited for what the future holds! Thank you again and God bless you all!
Pax,
Johannes
Deus invictus! Deus providebit!
No comments:
Post a Comment